Todays news and comment - Bloomberg headline style.

Bloomberg's dissociated headlines are legendary to the point of making me wonder if Bloomberg run an internal competition to come up with the most absurd. My thoughts towards this were triggered by today's '"Greek Stocks Fall on Deal Skepticism as Ruble Advances" headline implying that the two statements either side of the 'as' are causal or linked. After a few fun examples were bandied around on Twitter I thought I'd do a brief post solely in the style of Bloomberg headlines, so here we go -



Today has seen oil prices press higher as Tesco sheds 10,000 jobs and USD/RUB has naturally responded by falling as Greek talks fail to reach swift agreement. But markets are otherwise quiet because catholic Europe is on holiday as it's Washington’s birthday. It’s pretty depressing on the Ukrainian front too with the ceasefire crumbling as Apple and Google together now have a bigger market capitalisation than the whole of the Russian stock market.

Elsewhere Denmark mourns another horror shooting in a cafe as UK’s Ed Balls calls for receipts to be demanded to prevent tax evasion.  It’s all heating up in Libya with Egypt retaliating with air strikes as Kim Kardashian threatens a new reality show. This is worrying as low tide is at 10pm tonight.

I have been staring out of the window and wondering what to do as herds of wildebeest trek the dry savannah of the Serengeti and decided to look at buying bank stocks again as Fifty Shades Of Grey dominates at the box office. The problem I have with bank stocks is though they are a normal growth sector play, they are going to be taxed and fined out of any form of outperformance as cybercriminals steal $1bio from up to 100 banks. But with ECB QE just around the corner they should see continued support as the French trial revives the question of prostitution.

China’s data perked up last night but then it’s hard to trust Chinese data as Ed Miliband is silent over hacking allegations, but the commodity sector is worth looking at as Nutella and Ferrero Rocher boss Michele Ferrero dies. I’ve been looking for a bounce in AUD as Hepatitis A caused by frozen berries highlights concerns about Australia's food and hope that any Chinese positives may help as Italians rescue more than 2000 Mediterranean migrants.

It’s certainly not easy to call these markets as smoking skunk cannabis triples the risk of serious psychotic episodes.


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The comments column is open for any recollections of the best real 'Bloomberg Assumed Correlation Headlines'