Sunday, 3 May 2015

UK Labour Party's new LPad

Today, Ed Miliband and the Labour Party launched their plan to make the UK the hub of global technological expertise with the launch of their iPad beating tablet system which they have christened the LPad.

LPad Specifications

Operating system - Stonemason 1.0
CPU - None. Cloud based.
Internal memory - 0.5kb ROM
External memory - None
Display - Monochrome, 1 pixel / square inch.
Display Latency - 7500 years.
Internal battery - None
Power source - User
Input device - Mallet and cold chisel
Water resistant - Yes, but avoid acid rain.
Compatibility - Cemeteries, holy mountains, museums, cult worshiper's secret lairs.
Dimensions: H 2.5m, W 1m,  D 0.15m
Weight - 860kg
Available finishes - Limestone.

In the box - 2.5 square meters of polished limestone. Cold chisel and mallet sold separately

The first of these devices will be used to store Ed Miliband's short 'do list' and will be left in his garden where only he can see it.

The launch of such an exciting new initiative promises a sorely needed boost to the UK's limestone quarrying industry which has been reliant on the falling demand for monumental stonework and type one hardcore. Jack Johnson, 58, president of the Portland Stonemasons Guild said "Even though, as stonemasons, we will feel the benefits directly we can see the whole stone based economy experiencing a significant lift"

He makes a fair point. Whereas the delivery of 2000 iPads to an Apple store could be made in a small Ford Transit, the delivery of the same quantity of LPads would employ 200 low loaders giving a 20,000% boost to the transport industry.

"It doesn't stop there" added Jim Jones, Chairman of the National Union of Bedside Table Manufacturers. "We are already developing new technologies to produce world beating bedside tables capable of supporting the new 860kg LPad"

The launch has the full support of the Green Party who have hailed the project as a huge step forward in power saving eco-computing, however concerns have been raised by the monumental stone industry who warn of steep price rises due to anticipated shortages in limestone. Security experts have also warned Ed Miliband of the risks from Syrian based vandals of burying a large stone tablet dedicated to false gods in his garden.

Apple have refused to comment on the Labour Party initiative but are said to be developing a papyrus based system in response.

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