If FIFA were a bank

If FIFA were a bank -

It would make BCCI look like a charity.

Sepp Blatter would have to move to a regulatory environment under which his business practices would be accepted, such as North Korea.

Footballers would have their pay capped at £120,000 a year (no, not a week).

Performance bonuses would only be paid if the team did not get demoted during the following five years.

All conversations and communications would be recorded and monitored

   a) On the field.
   b) In the dressing room.
   c) During all transfer negations.
   d) Between all FIFA members at all times - phone, email, speech and sign language.
 

The backs would not be allowed to tell the forwards that they had the ball in case it influenced the forwards' behaviour for personal gain, such as running forward getting ready to score a goal - which would put the competition at an unfair disadvantage.

All passes would have to be made through a central exchange and/or reported to the authorities within 15 minutes.

Football players would never be allowed to play football again if they committed a foul.

All players would have to present a passport and two copies of recent utility bills to the opposition to prove who they are.

Each kick of the ball would have to be cleared by the referee before the kick is made.

Football clubs would be subject to misselling regulation resulting in managers being refreshingly realistic during their prematch interviews or paying huge compensation claims to those they deceive, spawning a new wave of spam texts from dodgy companies wanting to claim on your behalf.

FIFA board members would be liable to prison sentences if anyone under them in the organisation breached the rules and managers would be prosecuted if their players committed fouls.

Sepp Blatter would be personally responsible for all actions by anyone in the world of football.

Diving (spoofing) would be a criminal offence and extradition warrants honoured to the US, even if a UK player in the Hounslow Village 7ths only tripped on the way to the game.

There would be constant complaints about the lack of women at high levels in football.

Fines for football related misdemeanours would be at $235bio and make up a sizeable part of government revenue.

Football clubs would have to pass stress tests and prove they could still win if all their key players were injured at the same time.

Everyone associated with football would be hated by society no matter what their involvement.

Football clubs would be expected to provide football matches to fans at cost.

A general football levy would be payable by all football clubs in the UK to compensate for the public supporting them.

Football clubs would be allowed to fail. Clubs going bankrupt would lose their name forever and not be allowed to play again. Ever.