Wednesday, 19 November 2014
Dr. Aghi's A&E Department - Part II - The Qefibrillator
We last visited Dr. Aghi in the Accident and Emergency department when Dr. Abe had just released a cylinder of laughing gas and led all of the patients, like the Pied Piper, intoxicated into the night. The first part of the story can be read here Japanese Laughing Gas. Here is the next chapter.
Dr Aghi had finally dozed off, his head on the formica table and the styrofoam cup of half drunk (and now cold) coffee perched at the end of his fingers perilously close to toppling off onto the vinyl that covered floors that met the walls in curved uplifts that make the mopping up of blood easier. The blue-white light of the energy efficient strips bathed the room in a sterile glare but Dr. Aghi's slumbers continued undisturbed.
He was officially still on duty in Accident and Emergency having pulled a double shift. Dr Ben was no longer around having been relieved of his duties and replaced with Dr. Yellen. Dr Yellen had not been long qualified but had been employed on the recommendation of Dr. Ben under whom she had done her tutelage and, some would say, was a little too keen on Dr. Ben’s sometimes questionable treatments. Her bedside manner had also raised questions as it would often leave patients more confused than when they arrived. Having said that, she had proven successful in the addiction clinic having successfully weened the American patient off the morphine that Dr. Ben had all too eagerly prescribed.
But Dr. Aghi had had a long night. He’d coped with a major European road traffic accident, many of the victims being close friends. He’d fought hard and if it hadn’t been for his cajoling of Mrs German into giving blood then Mr Greece would definitely be in the morgue. The rest of the Peripheral family had survived and the incredible work of the plastic surgeon who rebuilt their faces meant they now appeared near normal, though the damage to their underlying bones left them susceptible to further injury.
The lull in casualties since the first release of Dr. Abe’s laughing gas had left Dr. Aghi to tidy up and get on with the associated paperwork of which there were reams. Policy had to be changed after the last debacle but getting policy changed in this institution was no easy feat. The urgently assembled hospital committee had at first been keen to adopt exciting new up-to-date practices but Herr Dr. Weidmann's vehement opposition, citing historic health and safety regulation, had left Dr. Aghi at his wits end.
It was then that it started. One by one the patients started to return to A&E. Dr. Aghi stirred and opened an eye. "Oh no. Not again".
France was first, having refused basic treatment, Dr Abe’s laughing gas was never going to mask the symptoms for long, the quack cures suggested by their mad Uncle Hollande together with the self-administered acupuncture had only made things worse. She looked terrible.
Australia was back too, a can of Irn Bru in his hand. He’d been out drinking again and typically had got into a fight in the queue at the local Chinese after bragging about the size of his exports. He’d had the seven bells kicked out of him and had his wallet stolen but was still mouthing off about how great he was and how his broken legs, bust nose, confusion and probable ruptured bladder were 'just scratches mate' and he’d be alright.
And then, forlornly, Spain and Italy traipsed in. Dr Aghi gave them a quizzical look. Their chronic fatigue syndrome was looking worse. He’d better screen them for cancer.
What was more worrying was that Germany was there too. Germany was never ill but there she was. Always a toughie as her religion meant that she would accept no medication other than a glass of water.
UK was back too, which confused Dr Aghi. On the outside he looked just fine and his personal nurse, Nurse Osborne, was telling everyone just how fine he was. But UK was complaining of a deeper malaise he couldn’t quite put his finger on. Dr Aghi asked a few questions but the answers that came back changed constantly. He immediately referred them to Psychiatry. He really couldn’t handle a delusional schizophrenic right now.
And then the man from the Chinese arrived complaining of a general slow down and slight upset in his, ahemmm, 'hong kong’. Dr. Aghi filled in the appropriate referral forms for the man's local STD clinic but really this guy wasn’t his responsibility, so kicked him out.
And then Dr Aghi’s crash bleep went off. 'Oh shit, I thought he was stable’ he muttered under his breath as he sprinted to recovery. European Growth was in spasms. Yellen was already there with the Qebrillator ready 'Here you are sir’. Dr. Aghi hesitated. "Where did you get that from? They haven’t been passed for use in this hospital". “Sir, you have little choice”. She was right. European Growth was already flatlining. ‘OK, what do I do?”. “You hold these against his financial instruments, press the button and a huge shock of QE will get him going again, Dr Ben is the expert though, I haven’t used one recently”
Dr. Aghi, reached forward to take the paddles when a voice came over the tannoy. It was Herr Dr. Weidmann who had been watching proceedings on the CCTV link. “Dr Aghi, you are forbidden from using the Qefibrillator, put those paddles down and step away from the patient”. “ But he’ll die" screamed Dr. Aghi. “No he won’t, Dr. Aghi. Well, perhaps he will but it will be to everyone's good in the long run. Best to let him sort himself out”. “Where the heck are you from Weidmann? Sparta? Leave the sick on the slopes in the snow so only the fittest survive?”, “ Exactly Dr. Aghi, Spartan medicine is simple and very selective”.
Dr. Aghi turned to Yellen, “Look I’ve bypassed the Qefibrillator. we should be able to get something from the transfusion machine. It will take the poisonous liquidity out of him and replace it with a better liquidity. Give it a go, it may keep him alive until I can get back. Stay there and keep the Herr Doktor away from him".
At this point Dr. Aghi noticed the patient in the bed next to European Growth, who treated him with a bold confident “ Hi, I’m US Growth and though some say I’m a bit peaky, I'm just dandy. Dr. Yellen has given me every support she can, haha”, “My, you’ve grown" muttered Dr. Aghi enviously whilst noticing the sly wink Dr. Yellen gave the patient. "Hmm", thought Aghi, "I wonder if she’s actually screwed him. No one knows yet".
Dr. Aghi arrived back in A+E just in time to hear the sirens. 'Blues and twos, doctor we have a JPFrog coming in”, "Just plain croaked it?' “Yup, declared dead at the scene by the paramedics but the attending doctor wasn’t having any of it”.
The doors to the department crashed open and what looked like a corpse was raced in on a gurney with a doctor administering fevered CPR. A nurse chasing them. “Nurse what’s her name?”, "Japanese Growth”, "what happened?”. "Hit a brick wall”. “At speed?" "No was hardly moving at the time but looks like the wall fell on her. Crush injuries, contusions, no sign of life”
"Ok, you can stop now doctor, the patient's dead”. But the maniacal pumping went on. It was only at the point that Dr Aghi leant down to see the doctor’s face that he realised who it was. "Oh no! Dr Abe, you madman! Nurse, security! Get this doctor off the patient and take him away, He’s caused enough chaos for one day”.
Dr. Abe lunged maniacally. “You don’t understand! She s alive! Alive I tell you! All we need to do is give her one more shot of of of .. where's the Qefibrilator? I know you’ve got one, it was me that invented it! Don’t worry, yours won’t be powerful enough, I’ll make my own!". With that he raced off down the corridor chased by the nurse and security staff.
What a night, it couldn't get much worse, but a cloaked figure darkened the doorway and entered the department. It was Russia. Dr. Aghi had heard of Russia, he was a homeopathic doctor whose own remedies were at best temporary and at worst lethal. Dr. Aghi had been involved with his patients before. Some had recovered, such as the Eastern family, but Ukraine was still receiving some of his vile medicine despite warnings from the authorities, yet no one dared intervene. Russia had been struck off as a proper doctor some years back. "Can I help?” Dr. Aghi enquired, "No thank you, I'm just here to take back what I left behind".
There was screaming from the corridor. Dr. Abe sprinted back in pushing a huge contraption of pipes and wires in front of him. “This will do it!” and with that he attached his monstrous Qefibrillator to Japan, leapt for the nearest socket, plugged in the mad machine and ..
There was an explosion. The room went dark.
Emergency lighting flickered on casting an eerie glow through the smoke filled room. Miraculously everyone had survived the blast. Except for two. Dr. Abe and Japan lay motionless under a sea of smouldering paper.
Dr. Aghi surveyed the scene in resigned capitulation. He had done his best. He had given it his all but this was the end. Someone else could tidy up this mess. He let out a sigh, took off his name badge and carefully attached it to the disfigured corpse of Dr. Abe. With no further ado Dr. Aghi picked up his now empty medical case and threaded his way through the debris strewn room towards the doors, ducking through the now twisted frames into the cool night air.
His hand dropped into his inside jacket pocket and he pulled out a cheroot and he checked himself for a light but was lacking. Stepping back towards the door he picked up a smouldering piece of paper and put it to the tobacco. The remnants of the new 10 Euro note glowed hard as he inhaled and lit the cheroot before tossing the worthless paper to the ground and ambling off into the dark, dreaming of the fresh Italian mountain air a world away from the chaos. "Who know's what the world now holds for me, one day I might even be President".