Monday, 22 September 2014

Unconventional Methods

Lots has been spoken about the possibility of the ECB using 'unconventional methods'. It would be a delight to see some really unconventional methods deployed, so to help out here are some suggestions.


Replace Draghi with Alex Salmond at the ECB meeting Questions and Answers. Who needs detail when you have conviction? 

Set up an ECB youtube channel explaining how to spend Euros in shops, modelled on daytime TV shopping channels.

Introduce thumbscrews and the iron maiden as regulatory punishments for those who don’t lend. 

Create a subterranean secret society of ECB gnomes who tunnel under banks and fill their vaults with Euro notes whilst leaving their balance sheets untouched

Create an Ice Bucket Challenge equivalent where all vendors of goods and services are challenged to film themselves increasing their prices and then give €10 to the 'Bide-a-wee Home for Old Central Bankers’. They then have to nominate others. 

Build a time-freeze ray and fire it at Germany and while they are frozen go wild with money printing and inflation creation meanwhile running around Germany changing all the clocks back to 1923 and leaving wheelbarrows in every bank. Then turn the ray off. 

Announce that a large Meteorite is going to destroy the world and that Europeans only have 21 day in which to spend their money so they had better get on with it. 

Appoint Abe as head of ECB and wait quite a long time. 

Rebrand the ECB as the iECB, People will mistake the 'i=ineffectual' for a famous brand and believe everything they say. 

Rebrand all european goods iPhone6xxxxxx  e.g. the Citroen iPhone6DX hatchback. Judging by last week's i-mania sales should soar. 

Make Bund prices 50% of the CPI sample basket. 

Make Robert Mugabe head of the ECB calling upon his success in creating Zimbabwean hyperinflation. 

Call in Native Americans to do an inflation dance. 

Reorganise Europe. Sell off France, privatise Spain and Italy, nationalise Germany, buy Switzerland, put Greece on six months performance watch, promote Poland, retire off Luxembourg  and make Belgium redundant. 

Buy the company that owns the Oxford English Dictionary and redefine deflation as inflation and recession as growth. 


Hope that helps!

No comments: