Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Russian Sanctions - Part II

Putin laments his last Big Mac and discusses the future production of the BigPutin.

So the EU have unleashed the big sanction guns and though they are treading a fine line between moral rectitude and punching themselves in the face, it is a big step forward from the UK's Nick Clegg wanting them removed as hosts of a future football competition. I have long held the opinion that 'one should only worry about things one can change', but with Nick Clegg that can be extended to 'only worry about people who can change things'. So he can be ignored.

Sanctions normally spawn a rash of media stories of unrighteous suffering that some may incur but in general we could be pretty safe in assuming that sanctions could get pretty sneaky and there are bound to be some major unforeseen consequences. Here are some suggestions or predictions of future silly actions and their consequences.

Russia bans the import of artisan goods from London’s Borough Market causing prices to fall from 'eye watering' to 'expensive'.

Russia and France ban Russian superyachts from Monaco both thinking wrongly that the other will suffer most - Monaco goes downmarket and looks to Magaluf for guidance.

London Borough of Chelsea bans Russian hookers - Lots of wives are surprised to see their husbands home early from work.

Brussels follows its solar panel tariff idea and places a minimum charge on Russian hookers of $5000 - The clientele of Porto Banus moves even more upmarket in wealth but even more downmarket in taste.

Russia bans Russians from working on Investment Bank Emerging Market desks - Mass confusion erupts trying to work out what has gone on in their books causing more regulatory fines to the glee of western governments.

The French sue US banks who have Russian quants working for them (most of them) for $10bio each - Well there has to be some retribution somewhere.

US closes all McDonalds in Russia but dangles Big Macs teasingly from US embassy windows - The world sees the introduction of the world's largest yet most inefficient and unwieldy burger - The BigPutin

Russia bans export of all website software created in Russia under white-labeling to rip-off UK design agencies - 404 errors appear on most advertising agency websites and there is a scramble for 'html for dummies' books.

VW remotely reprogram all Russian sold Audi and VW sat-navs to display an erect middle finger - Lots of Russians misinterpret this as a signal to drive straight on and accidentally drive into Ukraine causing the West to believe an invasion is taking place.

Russia sells all Russian owned UK property simultaneously - Half of the UK population cheer, the other half cry.

Russia market Chernobyl (in Ukraine and so not sanctioned) as a Centre Parcs alternative, at 1% of the price, to low IQ gullible Brits causing all British watchdog bodies, holiday regulators and personal litigation firms to blow up due to huge apoplectic overload.

The UK's Vince Cable bans all companies ending in -ski crippling the winter sport industry.

Courchavel in the French Alps declares independence from the EU and instantly becomes the world's richest nation.

US ban Sikorsky helicopters forgetting an important point.

UK bans supplying Moscow arms - The Moscow Arms pub in London runs out supplies and has to close.

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