Strictly Come Financing

"Strictly Come Dancing" , or 'Dancing with the Stars' as it is known in the USA, has dominated the Christmas TV schedule this year but has, thankfully, finally come to an end, The program's formula of teaming up celebrities with professional dancers to convince a panel of experts that they are great dancers has been highly successful but perhaps it is time for a change, so here are some ideas for next year -


Strictly Come Economic Forecasting - Where celebrities team up with professional economists and try to convince a panel of experts that they have any more clue than anyone else as to what happens tomorrow, whilst performing multiple U-turns.

Strictly Come European Central Banking - Where celebrities team up with professional European central bankers to impress a panel of experts every month that they are capable and willing to do whatever it takes to keep the European banking sector alive by performing a choreography of crazed twists and gyrations, known as the Can-Can.

Strictly Come US Central Banking - Where celebrities team up with professional US central bankers to convince a panel of experts that it is they who influence the future marks awarded by the panel, not the panel, by predicting what the panel will award in the future without consulting the panel. If they get zero points they award themselves 10 points for not being wrong. It's all very confusing.

Strictly Come Fund Consulting - Where celebrities team up with professional fund consultants to charge a panel of investors for their knowledge of past performance without making any commitment towards future performance whilst reassuring the panel that other panels are similarly benchmarked and the marks they award will not be seen as out of line with industry standard.

Strictly Come Financing - Where celebrities team up with professional financiers and try to convince a panel of online investors to award them dollars for a cash burning operation by performing a dance based on dream and fantasy.

Strictly Come Macro Fund Selling - Where celebrities team up with professional hedge fund salesmen and try to impress a panel of experts into paying 2 and 20 whilst they lose the panel's initial investments.

Strictly Come Futures Trading - Where celebrities team up with professional futures traders and try to convince a panel of judges that they can shout loudest and have the thickest neck whilst dressed up in stripy jackets.

Strictly Come Technical Analysing - Where celebrities team up with professional technical analysts and try to impress a panel of judges with a series of Fibonacci levels and randomly drawn lines into not giving them 10 points because that looks overbought on the RSIs and the Bolinger bands suggest a retracement towards 6 points before the Elliot 3.a.i takes effect.

Strictly Come Algo Trading - Where celebrities team up with algorithmic trading platforms and have 5 nanoseconds to convince a panel of fund consultants that they always make money.

Strictly Come Regulating - Where celebrities team up with professional regulators and try to convince a panel of experts that they really can prevent future banking crises and stop market participants from interpreting the rules to maximise their own gain, by making up rules that make the audience laugh.

Strictly Come Compliancing - Where celebrities team up with professional compliance officers and tell a panel of experts they can only award marks once they have completed online training and had the marks they plan to award submitted to a further panel for pre-approval only after proving that the marks are publicly known before being awarded.

Strictly Come Financial Televisioning - Where celebrities team up with celebrities to convince a panel of celebrities that they are experts on finance.

Strictly Come FX Broking - Where celebrities team up with FX brokers and get so smashed up on a night out they can’t find their way to a panel of experts.

Strictly Come Binary Option Trading - Where celebrities team up with spread betting companies, lose all their money, then try to convince a panel of experts that they didn’t know better and so deserve compensation.