The only iPhone review you ever need to read.

The only reason I am writing this is because apparently no one cares about anything else and a title like the one I've used should be pure SEO gold.

 iPhone launches are like Non Farm Payroll releases. Everyone gets very excited about them but 24hrs later have moved on and are guessing what the next one will be.

Stereo speakers - Unless they produce 150db each, can be spaced 10ft apart and have 12+ inch bass units I don’t care.

The new camera has optical image stabilisation - Useful for the caffeine or 'morning after' DTs. 

 6 element lens with f/1.8 aperture. 60% faster than previous iPhones. The iPhone 7 has a single lens camera; the 7 Plus has a dual lens camera (wide angle and telephoto). telephoto   - Useful, I guess, for wedding photographers.

iPhone 7 Plus: New 'portrait' effect on the camera to add depth of field to photo No Interest, not a selfie fan.

Water and dust resistant  Excellent - caught up with Samsung

Longer battery life  Good, but still would prefer replaceable and will still probably die after 2 years.

Comes in jet black, black, gold, silver, rose gold.  I'm not a 14yr old girl.

Headphones will connect via the lightning port. A free set comes with the phone, plus an adaptor for traditional 3.5mm jack headphones - Backwards step. Buggered if you lose your adapter or headphones. Can’t borrow others. Go long Chinese copy adapter makers.

And AirPods - wireless headphones (with a microphone) that have infrared sensors that detect when they're in your ear and only play then. W1 chip connects the AirPods to your other Apple devices. The batteries last for 5 hours and the Airpods come with a charging case that holds 24 hours of charge. We tried this with Bluetooth headsets. No one can be bothered with devices that need separately charging and if you do use them you'll look like a dodgy limo driver. Drawer fodder, or more likely lost on first outing. San Francisco drains will be full of them. A wire stop you losing them.

A10 Fusion chip with a 64-bit four core CPU  Should I be excited? Or even know what that means?

Storage: 32GB, 128GB, 256GB  - A 256GB Micro SD card is about £140, how much is your upgrade?

Cost: $649 for the 7, $769 or £649 £769 in UK money. A lot for a better camera you can drop in your beer.

Summary - The only thing you need to know about the iPhone7 is that it will be an out-of-date lump of metal and glass within a year.

Will I buy one? No. But then I've never bought one.
Will it change the price of Apple Stock? Someone will pretend it will, but not in the long run.