Saturday, 18 June 2016
Upcoming UK - EU trade negotiations, Monty Python Style.
The French finance minister, Macron, has been on the wires this afternoon stating in no uncertain terms where the UK will fit in the world should it leave the EU. I have an unpleasant feeling that Monty Python may have already scripted any resulting UK/EU trade negotiations.
Boris: Hallo? Hallo!!
Macron: 'Allo! 'Oo is it?
Boris: It is I, King Boris, and these are my trade negotiators. Whose castle is this?
M: This is the castle of my master, Jean-Claude Juncker.
B: Go and tell your master that we have been charged, by God, with a sacred quest. If he will give us a trade deal he can join us in our quest for a common economic market that retains local judicial control.
M: Well, I'll ask 'im, but I don't think 'e'll be very keen- ah.. ee's already got
one, you see?
Negotiator 1: He says they've already got one!
B: Are you SURE he's got one?
M: Oh yes, it's ver’ nice, He has a common economic market and control over everything!
[to the other soldiers:] I told 'em we've already got one! [They snigger]
B: Well... ah, um... Can we come up and have a say?
M: Of course not! You are English types.
B: Well, what are you then?
M: Ah'm the French finance minister! Why do you think I have this out-rrrageous attitude, you silly king?
Negotiator 2: What are you doing in England?
M: Minding your business!
B: If you will not show us a deal, we shall undermine your castle by offering a low regulation, low taxation entrepôt on your borders.
M: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! Ah blow my nose at you, so-called “Boris Keeeng"! You and all your silly English Knnnnnnnnuts!!!
[Macron proceeds to bang on his helmet with his hands and stick out his tongue at the negotiators, making strange noises]
Negotiator 1: What a strange person.
B: (getting mad) Now look here, my good ma--
M: Ah don' wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!
Negotiator 2: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?
M: No!! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!
B: Now this is your last chance! I've been more than reasonable....
M: (to four other aides, standing behind him on the rampart) Fetchez la vache.
M: Fetchez la vache!
[the other aides are seen leading a cow... mooing noises]
B:...if you do not agree to a deal, then I shall ..
[Boing! The cow flies over the rampart.. followed by other farm yard stock]
B: Jesus Christ they are throwing the whole Common Agriculture Policy at us.
B: Right! CHARGE! Charge them.
Rest of Boris's Party: 20% on car imports, 30% on wine imports. Charge 'em 40% more for Airbus wings.
[Agricultural products rain down on the negotiating team].
Aide: (throwing down a goose) Hey, this one is for your low corporation tax! [and a duck] And this one's for your competitive employment law!
Boris’s party: [hastily retreating] Run away! RUN AWAY !