10 US sailors are in Iranian captivity. But worry yee not, we have a plan
So here’s the plan. We buy stocks in US arms companies , law firms and 'Latin American Gentlemen Outfitters (Camouflage our Speciality) Inc" on the idea that (and God knows I might be really miles off with this, but hey, you never know) - One way out of this crisis would be for, say, the US to sell arms to Israel who then channel them as a third party to moderates in Iran who in exchange promise to help to get the hostages freed. The money coming back from the Iranians for the arms could be syphoned off to maybe, just an idea here, support US interests in Latin America who are fighting governments unfriendly to the US. I know that no one could possibly think of doing something so whacky, but you never know it might just be worth a punt.
Or perhaps we should be thinking like a bank finance structuring desk -
So the US buys arms gives them to Israel, who pass them on to Iran who in return ship oil to Scotland to refill their North Sea reserves. Scotland in return send Haggis to Latin America.. no no no .. that can't be right.. So how about .. Iran send the hostages to Goldman Sachs who amortize their ransom demand cash flow, after applying Israeli Factoring discounts, and issue a 3yr mezzanine subordinated bond backed by the final ransom payment, with the coupon payable in Scottish Haggis with a knock in, should the hostages be released, paid in surface to air missiles from the US deliverable in Colombian Pesos. The CIA in turn hedge with a USD/SAR 10delta call. Does that work? No ?
Or we could do it the Jeremy Corbyn / Dianne Abbott way
So this is what we do .. we’ll write a letter of support to the Iranian jailers who are having to look after the Americans, because if the Americans hadn’t been aggressive Navy sailors, they wouldn’t have turned up in the jail forcing the jailers to look after them on abysmal wages. And on a weekend too.
Or the EU parliament way
So this is what we do .. We table a motion proposing that each member state set a date within 2017 to discuss a further proposal to form a committee of representatives to decide if the progression of the concept of hostage negotiations could be addressed in the planned 2020 EU ministers meeting.
Or the Russian way
What hostages? There are no hostages. We invited a select group of your fine proud countrymen to join us to celebrate their err.. birthdays.. and they are having a wonderful time. They are free to leave whenever they wish but are currently taking a nap in their 5 star hotel rooms. And no, there is no mobile reception around here, it seems to have gone down, sorry.
Or the German way -
So this is what we do .. We invite the whole of Iran to live in our country hoping that the 10 hostages are amongst them.
Or the Donald Trump way
No actually please God no, just forget that.