It's a bank holiday here in the UK so time for some questioning on Ukraine. Some lighthearted and some not.
Where is the Ukraine?
- Southwest of Russia bordering the Black Sea and rest of Europe.
- The west is in Europe and the east is in Russia.
- It's a town in mid-west USA.
- Up shit creek without a paddle.
Does the Ukraine situation matter to the global markets?
- Ukraine does matter - Prices are being held back even though at highs so if resolved will fly higher.
- Ukraine does matter - But Western policy will be enough to deter any further Russian actions so prices are marked neutral.
- Ukraine doesn't matter - So no market impact.
- Ukraine may matter or not, but even if it does matter we've seen all bad news result in higher prices anyway over the last few years and Ukriane has nothing on CB policy impacts so back to Fed watching.
Is Putin -
- A man resurrecting Russian glory that has been castrated by the west.
- Just cunningly using the provoked Western sanctions to smokescreen a failed domestic economic policy.
- Doing a "North Korea" and using military scaremongery to negotiate better terms for Russia elsewhere.
- Really truly only just working for the best interests of his countryfolk in Ukraine.
- Dr. Evil.
- All of the above.
Is the West -
- Convinced that sanctions will win the game.
- Prepared to use military force if it doesn't.
- Of one voice.
- Of one intent.
- A diaspora of individual interests incapable of coordinated action beyond the vague, platitudious and marginally ineffective.
- The X-men.
If you were brokering a land deal between Ukraine and Russia would you -
- Uphold historic political boundaries though only go back to the 1950s.
- Uphold historic political boundaries going further back and invoke Mongol hoards.
- Offer Crimea and some Eastern Ukrainian towns to Russia conditional upon them also taking back Chernobyl.
- Suggest a good marriage councillor.
- Have it decided in a 3 year running Saturday TV talent show hosted by Simon Cowell and make a fortune on the phone vote charges.
If you were voting at the upcoming Ukrainian presidential elections would you vote for -
- The boxer fellow though he says he won't stand.
- Julia - she's fit.
- Von Rompuy.
- Whatever the only box on the vote slip says (usually 'Mr Putin').
- I dunno it's all too confusing.
If you owned a successful company in the Ukraine would you -
- Be glad of a falling exchange rate as it's making your exports more competitive.
- Pack up all your assets into containers and set sail down the Dnieper in the middle of the night for Bulgaria.
- Laugh at the west freezing $100m at JPMorgan of your $7 bio wealth.
- Hoist a Russian flag.
If you have a holiday river cruise on the Dnieper booked do you -
- Cancel it.
- Go anyway, it can't be that bad and anyway the exchange rate is making it cheaper.
- Take some pepper spray just in case.
- Camouflage up as you are actually a part of a GRU special force planning an infiltration raid on Kiev.
Which, if any, do you dispose of when found in your sock drawer -
- A signed photo of the time you were awarded an honour by Mr Putin.
- A letter you had penned but not sent to the Times praising Putin for his Westernification of Russia.
- A wad of 2bio Rubles that a 'friend " had asked you to look after.
- The tickets to meet your internet bride in her home town of Donetsk
- The spare phone you reserved for slagging off Russian policy to your mate Edward Snowden.
if Ukraine were a fish what type of fish would it be (hat tip to social media style questionnaires) -
- A pilot fish.
- A lamprey.
- A puffer fish.
- A kipper.
If Ukraine were a tea towel what type of tea towel would it be -
- A nice new blue and yellow striped one.
- A blue and yellow one with red stains.
- A red one marked "return to manufacturers for cleaning".
- A picture of an idyllic village printed on material so thin you can see through it.
And finally - If Ukraine were an enzyme which type of an enzyme would it be -
- Ethanukraniase - Breaks down Ukrainians in the presence of alcohol.
- Ukraniase - Breaks itself down in the presence of Russians.
- Euroase - Breaks down European union in the presence of decisions.
- Putinase - Breaks down Russian resolve in the presence of sanctions.
- Oscarpistoriase - Just breaks down.